dimanche 16 janvier 2011

chapter 7 : the trip to her

I was suffering from a disease of the kind that changes your life. Thinking about being able to make a ten hours train trip would have been in my condition the same that jumping from a plane without a parachute, going to catch another men with one, and all of this of course without having ever jumped from a plane before in your life. The kind of things only James Bond is comfortable with. I say this just to make you aware of the degree of difficulty and probability of me meeting her again.
But if our meeting had to happen something would have made it possible, if not …if not this adventure would have ended as I was frankly expecting. I was tired of trying to deal with things of strange nature, but of course something was making me patient. I say of course since the improbable if not the impossible was happening like a pen drops of your hand when you let it go.
I am of the same species of Thomas the apostle without the sainthood. So you can forget to make me believe in things. I have to have a direct and tangible fact that doesn’t have to be interpreted. The same kind if you have been hit by a vase. It hurts. You can say whatever you want about why it happened, but it happened. I am more interested in what happens not why. A reason now doesn’t give me an helmet for before. You could say you have been blessed so the next time you could avoid it, but for sure I am not going to walk with an helmet on all day, and I certainly prefer to suffer one day from maybe another improbable flower vase then becoming neurotic and suffering every day. I have to add that I have never in my life been the kind of new age men the kind of having the attitude to feel special things and having the presumption or maybe the real gift, who knows, of feeling the reality in a way unknown by common people. No, I am common people. So no voices, no sixth sense, no premonitory dreams. Anything of the kind would have only made me feel… better go and seek professional help. The most uncommon reality experience I had, it has been the gift of a bottle of wine that had to combine with the too many medicines I was taking for a terrible back pain.

For a person like me there is not a lot of complication how to find the secret way or technique to make a prayer valid enough for being taken in consideration.. Neither to put myself in that better inner position to make it work. “Lord if you want me to meet with this lady make me able to go there, if not just leave me the way I am.” I made just this simple and direct prayer.

One day, while as I was preparing myself to go out for a short walk the ghost voice came out from nothing as usual saying: "I gave it to you I take it from you."
The ghost thought (I could call it also ghost thought I guess) didn’t specify at all it was about my physical condition but I immediately felt no doubt it was about it. (For who still didn’t understand what was for me the ghost voice I repeat myself: it was of the same nature of thoughts, but it could be felt differently enough not to be confused with normal thoughts but not so different to be considered as something else, and always felt deeply believable and leaving me with a deep inner calm. I could have questioned a normal thought, but the ghost thought or voice was giving me the feeling of unquestionability even though was concerning something rationally improbable or absurd. My questioning about its messages didn’t have any strength. This is only what I can and will say. I don’t push any theory on who was the ghost voice since I would never know and I don’t want to add any sin on myself since up to now I have already done a good job).
So inside me I started believing I was able to go to visit her. Of course I was not sure, but as usual I was steered by something. And steered by something I decided with apparently no reason to have the blessing of the sick. So I contacted some missionaries that accepted to give me this blessing. I was waiting for them when I thought it was strange that the ghost voice was making me believing that I was healed to go to Charline and then I had the personal inspiration to ask for the blessing of the sick. For me it meant that the healing had to come from them, I supposed.
But the ghost voice made its presence: "It is not for you. It is for him."
For the experts I leave the meaning of this sentence. “It is not for you” is of an easy understanding, but “It is for him”… If it was referring to one of the missionary that came for the blessing I don’t know I can only guess.

The day of my three days travel arrived. I believed I was healed at least for this trip, but from believing it and being absolutely certain…there is a gap. So I had the same attitude of acceptation as the condemned has before going to his execution. I was in total acceptance of my destinity even though I was forecasting it extremely hard and unpleasant.
But there was nothing to do. It was like I had a shield. I was feeling some symptoms of my illness beginning to form but just before they could gain enough strength to be felt or suffered they were like dispersed by a blast of something. What an amazing feeling. I could clearly feel the presence of an unidentifiable nature that was managing everything with immense calm and strength. You feel this once you would like to have this feeling forever. You are small, almost nothing but at the same time invulnerable. And I felt all my trying to participate to this happening like a movement with no consequence; there was no access for me and my capabilities over that state.
Two different worlds. I was just a spectator of it.
I sunk in a complete and deep admiration of it.

I didn’t know if it would have last or not, but for that moment I was healed. I was going to her. And as you can expect, her family, especially her mother was really full of joy about my visiting her daughter.
Could you imagine how happy would be a mother of a 23 years old lady that start seeing a guy of 42 years old, with two marriages at his back and full of tattoos? You know the kind of joy.

Of course I didn’t pretend to be accepted. I was not a fool.

So it useless to say that we went through some bad moments. But apparently the more difficult was getting the more something was helping us to go through this phase. People full of wise human sense were trying to separate us but they were constantly making the perfect mistakes in talking or in their actions to make us more together.

I was able to visit her few times and apparently I was not suffering any more of my illness. Even though inside I was afraid it was just to visit her. I was expecting my state to come back after doing what I had to do. But I was hoping not.

Everything went extremely fast. It was scary since it was so fast and at the same time so normal. So the second time I have met with her I asked her if she wanted to marry me.

Since the only reasonable thing to do considering everything that happened was for us to get married we decided that was better for Charline to come in the city where I was living, so she could have tried to find a job before getting married.
She found a room where to stay but of course few people naturally gifted of a kind fantasy immediately thought she came to my place so we could loose the Spirit together doing unreligious things. You know the kind.

Sometimes been judged without evidence can be hard. For Charline was not easy to discover the nice side of humanity. I have lived with it all along my entire life so for me was just routine. Nothing to be surprised of.
We were nevertheless calmly happy. Our Mormon life was active as before. She was enthusiast as me so classes, lessons, every Sunday and Wednesday afternoon we were having pleasure in being there. But things were not going to stay that way.
One day Charline said to me: I had a weird dream.

“I was in your house. And as an extension of your balcony (5th floor) there was a straight bridge leading nowhere since it was stopping in the emptiness. Few people were already walking across it. I did the same. I went to its end, I stayed there for a while and finding nothing I started to go back. While I was on my way back, the end of the bridge started to collapse, and as everybody around me I started running. But the bridge was collapsing quicker then I could run and everybody started disappearing falling in a black void. Watching was was waiting for me I started running even faster. I was almost arrived to the other side when the ground opened under my feet; it was too late. I was falling…and coming from nowhere you came and grasped my hand and brought me to your balcony. You have saved me. This dream seemed so real it scared me. Luckily you where there”.

This dream was too explicit for me not to make a connection with the ghost voice first sentence.
I didn’t have to forget the last part of it. Now was directly her with her dream that was reminding me not to forget it.
“Charline I think there is a big problem. I have a very deep reason to believe we have to consider something very seriously.”
I felt I had to tell Charline about the ghost voice, and his first sentence. I told her the last part didn’t make any sense to me, but then why she had to make that dream and why she had to tell it to me? I asked her why I had to do it and how could I have been able to do it if I didn’t even knew the reason since for me there was not a reason why I had to do something like that. I told her this was really troubling me.
She was not shaked at all. Like she was absolutely sure my worrying was non sense. She said she didn’t think I had to do anything since she couldn’t see need of and if I had really to do something the Lord would have showed me how. So we just let it went in time will tell and not believe it too much was her preferred option.
Charline’s dream has been a very gentle reminder. But me trying not to pay attention to it apparently was not allowed, so very soon I started loosing my interior peace.
I was urged to do something I didn’t know. And what was becoming more clear to me was a risk absolutely unpleasant and unwelcome: our separation.
I couldn’t have any rest. Everything was becoming clear and also the risk to loose her.
I couldn’t accept the deny of the last part of the ghost voice first sentence any more. The feeling of even trying to do it was absolutely unbearable. It was like I had been made all at once intolerant to my own deny.

I told Charline we had to do something together. Everything had to come to its end, everything had to achieve whatever it was and it had to be done right now. Dead end: no time left.
I really was sure that what would have happened would have been a great risk to separate us immediately or would have put the base for us to separate in the future. I was in the bathroom ready to take a shower and thinking that the future could have been really inconvenient for me. “I made you free. If you love her, you make her free.”
The ghost voice was right. But the risk of allowing freedom is major one, since the management of freedom is a risky task which results are completely out of control. But love I guess is also accepting the risk of losing the love of loved ones.
And this was the last time I had the ghost voice. This was its last sentence
Of course I had to do it, It didn’t matter if I would have lost everything, I had to do it all. I couldn’t avoid to do just what I didn’t like.

I asked Charline if she could have asked in prayer to know the truth. But I asked her if she could have asked to know the truth whatever the price to pay would have been. She agreed. But she was serene. She told me she already knew it.
Then without her knowing about it I prayed God: “This is really all I can do. If you have to tell her something please tell her in her dreams”.
Dreams were really the appropriate way. I would have not influenced her in any way. And for me would have been the final sign the ghost voice spoke the truth from the very beginning. Even though after all that happened questioning it was a little too much. Sadly this is how we are when this something is against our convenience.

Next day when she met me she was looking troubled.
I have to tell you what I have dreamed last night, she said.

to be continued...

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